with Cliff Miflin
The Uncultured Food Critic
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Dining Around
with Cliff Miflin The Uncultured Food Critic |
In today’s edition, we will grade four sports taverns located near route I-540 and Falls of the Neuse Road in Raleigh.
One Saturday afternoon last fall, I traveled from my place in Chatham County to North Raleigh to get my truck’s radiator worked on. My appointment was at 4pm and I had money on a college football game starting at 3:30pm. But the truck had been overheating pretty bad lately, so I didn’t have much choice but to take her in.
As soon as the radiator guy finished the job of telling me I couldn’t afford to have my truck fixed, I set out to find the nearest sports bar where I could catch the second half of the game. The first promising-looking place that I found was Sam Snead’s Tavern, 6004 Falls of Neuse Road. When I went inside, I only noticed one television and the employees in the reception area told me that they didn’t have the game I wanted. They suggested either Duffy’s Tavern or Piper’s Tavern.
The golf-themed Sam Snead’s Tavern receives a grade of “A” for concise and helpful directions to other bars, and a “D” for their slogan, “An American Grill That’s A Par Above the Rest!” which, if you know anything about golf, makes no sense.
The Piper’s Tavern, 8304 Falls of the Neuse Rd, had a good number of televisions, but did not carry the out-of-region broadcast I was looking for. The bartender suggested Champps, located 2 exits down I-540 in “the big mall”. Bar patrons began voicing alternate suggestions, but the bartender, attentive to the look of pained puzzlement darkening my hungover countenance, silenced them and reiterated his directions to Champps. The Piper’s Tavern receives an “A+” for the bartender’s take-charge attitude and accurate directions.
I never did see Duffy’s Tavern, 8021 Falls of the Neuse Road. Duffy’s Tavern receives a grade of Incomplete.
As I approached Champps Restaurant and Bar in Triangle Town Center Mall, I remembered that I had been to the Champps in Southpoint Mall and that I hate Champps, both for their nudie bar beer prices and their phony, fun times atmosphere.
Inside, I bypassed a long line of people waiting for tables and found a spot at the bar directly across from a high-definition television displaying the game I was looking for. It would be bad form to just sit there and watch the game, so I asked to see a menu. The bartender girl introduced herself as Brooke and apologized for not shaking my hand because her hand was wet with dishwater. Her apology seemed unnecessary since it is generally not customary to shake hands upon initiating a transaction with an unfamiliar bartender.
The cheapest food on the menu was like $8.99 and I wasn’t hungry at all. Like I said, I was a little hungover and didn’t much feel like a beer either. Gatorade wasn’t on the menu, so I ordered a Miller Lite.
A few minutes later the bartender came back and asked “are you ready for some food, Cliff?” I was caught off guard by her unexpected usage of my name. Did I know this woman? I racked my dehydrated brain until I figured out that she had checked my ID and must have memorized my name. What a stalker! Too bad she wasn’t more hot.
Gradually, I realized that name-memorization and inappropriate name usage are part of Champps’ corporate guidelines for the bar staff. Sort of like when the cashier at Harris Teeter gets your name from scanning your VIC card and says “did you find everything okay today, Mr. Miflin?”
First of all, don’t call me Mr. Miflin. Second of all, if I was still looking for something I wouldn’t be loading my stuff onto the checkout counter. We check out when we are done looking.
Usually the only people who call you Mr. Miflin are telemarketers and the only people who shake your hand and pretend like they know you when they really don’t are homeless people. People generally like bartenders and grocery cashiers. People generally hate telemarketers and disingenuous homeless people. So why would a perfectly good grocery cashier or bartender want to emulate a telemarketer or a homeless person? Misguided corporate policy is the obvious answer.
Speaking of misguided corporate policy, no fewer than 3 times during the hour and a half I spent at Champps did the wait staff form a line and approach and surround a table while clapping rhythmically, presumably for someone’s birthday. I think any comments I could make concerning this practice would pretty much go without saying.
To Champps credit, the television I was watching was sharp and well-placed and the sight lines to the other televisions were good. Also, they did a top-notch job of managing the audio so that critical moments in each game could be heard. To borrow a phrase from the Champps website, “Champps creates a visually-exciting environment through the use of audiovisual techniques.”
I’m pretty good with a TV remote too-- that line is totally going into my next resume. Just change the word “Champps” to the word “Cliff”.
As the game progressed, I didn’t really want to order another beer, since I was hungover and everything. The bartender was pretty cool about letting me sit there and watch the game like a deadbeat. I resolved to give her a decent tip instead of ordering another beer. Then my team lost on a last second play and I tipped her crappy. I felt kind of bad, but it’s not my fault that our special teams can’t cover a damn kickoff return. Besides, I was out of town and what’s the point of tipping well at a bar that you’ll probably never set foot in again? That’s like rewallpapering your motel room.
In the end, Champps wasn’t so bad I guess. The bartenders were fine if you could see through the creepy, corporate-scripted interactions and the television management was excellent. Beers were expensive, but I don’t have a huge problem with overpaying for beer to see a game that I wouldn’t be able to see otherwise.
On the final report card, Champps gets a “B+”, knocked down to a “C+” for the corporate canned-fun atmosphere. Champps Raleigh has the potential to be a great sports bar if it would drop the corny pretenses and just be itself. I’d like to sit down and have a conference with its parent company.