4/5/03
Last week, the women’s rugby team held a mudwrestling fundraiser at He’s
Not Here. A third party has provided photojournalism of this event
and photos are forthcoming.
I personally snapped only one picture and it was a mental picture of a
perfect ass-print in the mud. That is not to say that it was a print
of a perfect ass, but rather a surprisingly crisply-defined print of an
average ass. If I had a taken a photographic picture instead of a
mental picture, I would title it "Butt Print in Brown" and sell framed
copies to art enthusiasts.
A few guys paid $40 or more to wrestle with the girls. I don’t think
they got their money’s worth by just flopping around for a few minutes.
If I were going to pay that much, I would at least script out some kind
of Andy Kaufman-style routine.
My wrestling persona would hail from Duke and he would repeatedly proclaim
that, no matter how big-boned, no UNC rugby girl stood a chance against
his superior Duke education. Very early in the match, he would pick
up and eat a handful of mud and then yell something like "aaahhhhhhhhh"
through brown teeth in order to indicate that he was crazy.
I wouldn’t actually swallow any mud, but would expel most of it through
wild chewing; the rest would be ejected during the "aaahhhhhhhhh" yell.
Later, as my opponent lay recovering from a devastating suplex, I would
prance gaily around the ring pointing to my head and shouting, "I’m from
Duke. This is just a public school. I’m from Duke." There
would also be some Hans and Frans style flexing and nodding of the head
involved.
Covered in brown mud, my persona would be called simply "The Dookie".
For his calling-card move, he would squat down and use handfuls of mud
to emulate defecation on his felled female opponent while screaming "you
want The Dookie, you get The Dookie." This base and classless move
would "cross the line" and cause any The Dookie sympathizers in the crowd
to turn upon him, schtick or no schtick. At that point he would be
a successful wrestling villain.
Until the forthcoming photos come forth, readers
will
suffer the image of The Dookie.