NEW YORK-
        Yesterday’s raid on a suspected Al Qaeda safehouse threatens to expose far more than another chilling terror plot.  Seized documents outlining plans to weave explosives into the inseam of a pair of trousers have led to an FAA ban on jeans, slacks, chinos or pants of any kind on all domestic and international flights originating from the United States and Canada.

        Until more advanced screening measures can be put into place, pants, including short pants, underpants, skirts and kilts will not be allowed through airport security.  Pants may be purchased for wear inside the airport terminal, but must be discarded prior to boarding.  The Department of Homeland Security notes that screeners and air marshals are already receiving specialized training that would allow them to recognize specific tell-tale behaviors that might indicate that an individual is wearing pants.  

        Officials say that transparent pants and underpants may be allowed on domestic flights by as early as next month.  Until then, most airlines are retrofitting their seats with doctor’s office style rolls of newsprint as a means of addressing sanitation concerns.  Northwest, America's oldest airline, has opted instead for zip-over plastic seat coverings. Despite this precaution, Northwest flight attendents are advising all passangers that "we would really prefer if you didn't sit there."  Southwest Airlines spokesperson Chad Fenwick said that in lieu beefed-up seat sanitation, Southwest is working on a new set of penis jokes for their fleet of hilariously flamboyant male flight attendants.  “We at Southwest set a goal a long time ago of having a poor-man’s David Sedaris on every flight crew,” Fenwick said.  “The pants ban is giving us the resources we need to do just that.”

        During his most recent press conference, President Bush touched only briefly on the issue of pants security, promising that, “Those who manufacture or distribute flesh-toned Lycra spandex will be held accountable.”  This  in apparent reference to a leaked report that certain types of tights and leggings have proven extremely difficult to detect.  Asked whether pants-sniffing dogs could be of aid in  the screening process, the President quickly dismissed the idea, saying that last time he checked, dogs didn’t know what pants were.  “That’s why they have four legs,” he quipped.

        Discovered in 1959, Lycra spandex can be stretched over 500% without tearing or becoming misshapen.