Scannedham Fake News

hurricane katrina global warming Record Hurricane Season Tainted
By Greenhouse Gas Allegations
     The 2005 Hurricane season, widely-regarded as the greatest ever and often credited with rekindling America's love affair with weather, has come under fire recently amid rumors of greenhouse gas emissions and global warming. The gases are believed to have been provided by humans burning fossil fuels and thereby releasing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Humans, while allowing for the possibility of an atmosphere, denied any knowledge of its contents.

poop in kiddie pool baby ruth Kiddie Pool Swimmer Surpasses
Baby Ruth Record
     Kiddie pool swimmer Kaitlin Leibowitz has surpassed the the Baby Ruth Record of previously held by shallow-end shitter Sam Munsen. The three-year-old Leibowitz's historic pool-clearing bomb came late Sunday afternoon at her parents' country club in Cocoa Beach, Florida. The girl's parents were attending a club function at the time and were not available for comment. The Spanish lady in charge of pool maintenance reported that she scolded the young Miss Leibowitz rather harshly and nearly resorted to physical punishment. Onlookers said that the girl seemed to appreciate the attention.
     The euphemism Baby Ruth was popularized by a scene the 1980 film Caddyshack, in which a prankster uses a Baby Ruth candy bar to simulate pool-borne fecal matter. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta recommends that all swimming pools have a written fecal accident response policy, even if not required.

Coming Up Lame
     Veterinary sources report that Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is continuing to recover well from surgery and is in good spirits- often joking with nurses about his injured leg, which required 23 screws, and the prospect of passing it through airport security. After two weeks of this joke, nurses noted it was hard not to think of the champion thoroughbred as a common jackass.

Overcooked Fry Used To Stab
Over-ketchuped Fry
     Anthropology Today reports this month a novel incidence of tool-use among fat guys in which an overcooked french fry was used to skewer and lift to the mouth an over-ketchuped french fry. Historically, fat guys have not hesitated to soil their digits with ketchup, as their hands and fingers are thoroughly licked following the meal regardless. Leading fat guy anthropologist Linda Belcher calls this the most significant evidence of tool-use among fat guys since the groundbreaking 1974 report describing a fat man's use of a gravy boat as a shoe horn. Henry J. Heinz began making ketchup in 1876 but was neither the inventor nor the first to bottle it.

polo farmer's tan Polo Tattoo Adds Chic
to Farmer's Tan
      In an effort to bolster sales in the clothing market traditionally dominated by NASCAR branded apparel, Ralph Lauren Polo has announced the licensing of its Polo insignia to tattoo artists throughout the Southeastern United States. Shares of Ralph Lauren Polo (RLP) were up 1 7/8 on the day.

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	Record Hurricane Season Tainted By Greenhouse Gas Allegations The 2005 Hurricane season, widely-regarded as the greatest ever and often credited with rekindling America's love affair with weather, has come under fire recently amid rumors of greenhouse gas emissions and global warming. The gases are believed to have been provided by humans burning fossil fuels and thereby releasing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Humans, while allowing for the possibility of an atmosphere, denied any knowledge of its contents.
	Kiddie Pool Swimmer Surpasses Baby Ruth Record Kiddie pool swimmer Kaitlin Leibowitz has surpassed the the Baby Ruth Record of previously held by shallow-end shitter Sam Munsen. The three-year-old Leibowitz's historic pool-clearing bomb came late Sunday afternoon at her parents' country club in Cocoa Beach, Florida. The girl's parents were attending a club function at the time and were not available for comment. The Spanish lady in charge of pool maintenance reported that she scolded the young Miss Leibowitz rather harshly and nearly resorted to physical punishment. Onlookers said that the girl seemed to appreciate the attention. The euphemism Baby Ruth was popularized by a scene the 1980 film Caddyshack, in which a prankster uses a Baby Ruth candy bar to simulate pool-borne fecal matter. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta recommends that all swimming pools have a written fecal accident response policy, even if not required.
	Coming Up Lame Veterinary sources report that Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is continuing to recover well from surgery and is in good spirits- often joking with nurses about his injured leg, which required 23 screws, and the prospect of passing it through airport security. After two weeks of this joke, nurses noted it was hard not to think of the champion thoroughbred as a common jackass.
	Overcooked Fry Used To Stab Over-ketchuped Fry Anthropology Today reports this month a novel incidence of tool-use among fat guys in which an overcooked french fry was used to skewer and lift to the mouth an over-ketchuped french fry. Historically, fat guys have not hesitated to soil their digits with ketchup, as their hands and fingers are thoroughly licked following the meal regardless. Leading fat guy anthropologist Linda Belcher calls this the most significant evidence of tool-use among fat guys since the groundbreaking 1974 report describing a fat man's use of a gravy boat as a shoe horn. Henry J. Heinz began making ketchup in 1876 but was neither the inventor nor the first to bottle it.
	Polo Tattoo Adds Chic to Farmer's Tan In an effort to bolster sales in the clothing market traditionally dominated by NASCAR branded apparel, Ralph Lauren Polo has announced the licensing of its Polo insignia to tattoo artists throughout the Southeastern United States. Shares of Ralph Lauren Polo (RLP) were up 1 7/8 on the day.