ROME, ITALY-
     The Vatican today announced that, due to "unforeseen backlash" from the religious community, they will resume marketing Pope Classic John Paul II while gradually phasing out New Pope Benedict XVI.
     While the move may seem sudden, it actually has its roots in the mid 1980's when The Vatican issued a blind faith test known as the Papal Challenge.
     The results of the Papal Challenge revealed that congregations preferred episodes of the era's hottest sitcom, Cheers, to Catholic sermons by a ratio of 10 to 0. 
     At that time, the Pope decreed that in the event of his death, he would be succeeded by Cheers' annoying but lovable know-it-all postman Cliff Clavin (John Ratzenberger).
     An astute observer of popular culture, Pope John Paul II closely followed the so-called "soft drink wars" of the mid-80's.  He was deeply troubled by the New Coke debacle, and feared the prospect of  posthumous Papal parallels.
     The Pope took solace in the fact that, like Jesus Himself, Coke Classic commanded a substantially more loyal following after it had been temporarily pulled from the marketplace. 
     John Paul II decided that he too needed a backup plan that would return him to the Papacy in the unlikely event that Cliff Clavin somehow didn't work out. 
     When the Pope passed away in 2005, John Ratzenberger's agent passed on the role and, by the Law of Divine Nomenclature, the job fell to German Cardinal Joe Ratzinger.  
     With consumers slow to embrace Ratzinger, top-ranking Bishops have begun to set into motion Pope John Paul II's decree that the critically-despised 1989 audience-pleaser Weekend At Bernie's be used as a strict guide for his return to Popehood.  In accordance with this decree, a weekend bash is currently underway at the Vatican's waterfront beach house on the Mediterranean Sea.
     Since the Cheers finale in 1993, John Ratzinberger has done voice work for a number of animated features, including the 2004 Pixar hit The Incredibles.

Katrina Aftermath:

Migration of Clever New Orleans Humans Driving Houston Humans Toward Extinction

Nonstop Flushing At New Orleans' Aquarium of the Americas

Refugees Living on Astrodome Floor Heckled by Refuges Living in Stands

Entertainment:

Samuel L. Jackson Scraps Agent, Available to Filmmakers Via Signout Sheet

Opinion:

House Rum and Coke Okay If You Don't Mind Store Brand Cola