Ode to UNC
It was spring break of nineteen ninety-two
And I was sitting at home with nothing to do.
As I was watching the guy on PBS ask for a pledge,
The phone rang: it was my brother, calling from college.
“How ‘bout bringing the car down”, asked he.
I responded, “It’s an eight-hour drive, what's in it for me?”.
“I’ll give you fifty bucks if you have it here by Wednesday.”
“I’ll bring it down tomorrow for that kind of pay.”
The next day he received the car with elation,
But when I asked for the money, he had no memory of our phone conversation.

I spent the night in my brother’s dorm
Where stenches, molds and fungi form.
The proliferation of microorganisms untamed
Led me to conclude that Grimes was a dorm aptly named.
Not that I have anything against a Carolina residence hall,
But it was April, and not even the sheets had been washed since fall
Despite the malodor, I went right to sleep
Interrupted only by the smoke detector’s intermittent beep.
The alarm was caused by a low battery;
A new nine-volt could strain his budget, you see.

The next morning I attended Drama 16 in a large lecture hall
Rumor had it that this course was the easiest of them all.
I had to agree that this class was not for the elite;
“Remember, Black America is not a geographic location” the teacher would repeat.
We then visited the house of the fraternity which to join was his goal
Because of its proximity to Finley’s twelfth hole.

That night I went to a Durham Bulls game, which they easily won;
That kind of entertainment just can’t be found at Davidson.
I thought the Ballpark Burritos beat the standard hotdog by far
Although others disagreed on the way home in the car.

As my visit came to an end and my train pulled away,
I realized that Chapel Hill was the perfect place for a four-year stay.
It has all the opportunities of a large institutiòn,
But the friendly atmosphere of a much smaller one.
Although I visited colleges all summer and I’m at it still,
I have yet to find one that even comes close to UNC at Chapel Hill.