The Weak in Review 6/20/99
Keywords:  buying a mattress, back ache, lower back,  matress, matresses, mattresses, Lawrence Taylor New York Giants, Lawrance Taylor
        I bought a new mattress this weekend because my back was aching from my old one.  I joined the rest of the adult world and moved up to a size “full” from the old size "twin".  It looks like a big fat guy laying on my floor--  the pillow (which would be the fat guy’s head) is the usual size, but the rest of it is disproportionately large.  In order to make use of the extra sleeping surface, I guess I’m going to have to either get a chick or gain 250 pounds.  I plan to begin working towards both of these goals immediately and whichever comes first is cool with me--  just as long as I don’t combine the two and gain a 250 pound chick--  not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I think it would void Serta’s warranty.
         I originally set out to buy the cheapest mattress possible, but when I got to the store the salesman started talking all kinds of nonsense about “we don’t have that model in that size in stock, but we do stock this model in the other size and since you came in today, I’ll upgrade you and match the price of the first model in the second size.”   I think he could have sold me a bale of hay or a rubber raft  and I would have thought it was a good deal until I got halfway home.   The result was that I ended up buying a big-ass mattress at a small-ass discount.
        The salesman’s name was Lawrence Taylor.  He wasn't THE Lawrence Taylor, but I still I kept hoping that he would go into NFL Films mode and start yelling “Lez go out there and sell matt'esses like a bunch’a crazed dogs, yall”.  He never did.  I guess being coked-up and working in a bed store would be kind of at odds with each other.  For a bed store, you’d probably want to go with morphine or something like that.  If I worked there, I'd just go ahead and set up one of those IV drip bags full of morphine next to one of the beds and hook myself up to that.  If the boss said anything, I’d tell him that it was a display for institutional customers like hospitals and stuff.
         At one point, LT told me that a guy my age wouldn’t be single forever and that with the considerable life-expectancy of the mattress I was looking at, the most economical move would be for me to go ahead and buy at least a full.  I bet if he knew that I was going to go home and create an html document about my mattress he would have thought differently about that “not going to be single forever” part.
 
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