Please stand up
The
other day I was busting my sister's chops via email by using the terms
"gym class" and "exercise class" interchangeably when referring to her
nutrition major schedule. As expected, I soon received an indignant
email reply expressing her objection to my use of the word "gym".
What wasn't expected was that part of that email was phrased in near-perfect
Eminem verse. Check it out: "Anyway what do you care if I do
what I want to do or not look at you washing test tubes!" Note the
rebellious tone, the catchy but not quite smooth flow, and internal rhymes.
When reached for comment, my sister acknowledged the similarity to Slim
Shady's work, but emphasized that she has her own style of expression which
has been in no way influenced by Eminem lyrics. She went on to defend
her coursework by stating that while nutrition majors are learning valuable
fitness techniques in their exercise classes, "all you other maja's are
just flippin' pages."
Champagne is temporary
I was at a wedding last week. I went about like
most weddings: you eat a good meal, have a couple of beers and then
lean against a post and watch people dancing. In order to remain
alert and well-hydrated during the watching people dance phase of the event,
I consumed numerous cups of coffee interspersed with glasses of ice water.
On the drive home, I got lost on a construction detour in Durham and, by
the time I made it back to my apartment, I had to pee so bad that I could
barely work the clutch. I made the best of this uncomfortable situation
by doing something that I have often thought about doing, but never before
had the presence of mind to actually do: instead of going directly
to the bathroom, I first went to my bedroom and picked up the Fisher 4-channel
lab timer which has been serving as my alarm clock since my fan fell on
and smashed my real alarm clock. I wasn't sure what a good benchmark
for urination time would be, but I was hoping to break the one minute barrier.
Needless to say, I was couldn't have been more proud when flow eventually
stopped after a solid one minute and twenty-four seconds. I would like
to extend special thanks to Jason Howard and the woman formerly known as
Jennifer C. Smart for precipitating this proud milestone by joining in
holy matrimony. I think they would agree that they could not
ask for a more auspicious beginning to their life together than for me
to achieve this urinary feat on the day of their wedding.
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